Welcome to Empty Nesting
Empty nesting took me by surprise. I can't be the only one.
This is us: Saying goodby at DFW
Before COVID, both our kids, one a fresh college graduate, and the other, a fresh high school graduate, moved from Texas to NYC and SoCal, respectively. They left with our blessings, loving support, and a bunch of tears. We were excited for them both, for different reasons, and expected them to have "fun, and developmentally-appropriate adventures".
We certainly didn't know COVID was coming, and we sure had no clue we wouldn't physically see and hug either kid again for over 2 1/2 years. Between COVID restrictions, their jobs, our jobs, boarding costs for our dogs, and the fact that they both picked the most expensive places to live in the country, we were stuck with many tearful and frustrating FaceTime calls.
We raised our kids to be fiercely independent, in a supportive, responsible, and loving home, and they have thrived despite all that chaos and uncertainty. But holy cow. It was a really rough time, especially for me. Mom.
I was so mad because of all the Hallmark movies, the romcoms, and the beach fiction I read featuring empty nesters. In all, the middle-aged parents were (maybe) a little sad at first, waving goodbye to their kid driving away, but flash forward a few months, and Hey! Mom and Dad are on a cruise over Thanksgiving! Then the kids come home for the holidays and everyone makes sugar cookies! But dammit, that sure didn't happen in my house. That first Christmas, neither kid could come home, and ouch, that hurt. My husband and I debated not decorating the house, and I held a few pity parties for myself. The second Christmas with no kids, we were sad and resigned, and made do with a small holiday celebration.
Yes, we raised our kids to be fiercely independent, but I thought they would come home!
Don't get me wrong. I love this time of life. I love my peace. I enjoy waking up to a clean kitchen, just the way I left it. The house is quiet and calm--I can actually read a book in the family room. I have leisure time! There's less laundry, and cooking is completely different and a little more fun these days.
My husband and I are discovering new adventures. Without no one in the house but us, we are learning new ways to talk and be around each other.
And honestly, our kids are doing great. They love where they live and enjoy full, rich lives, and we know they are thriving because of the foundation we created. These days, we see them more and talk to them as much as our busy schedules allow. Sometimes, though, I miss them (being home, little, needing me) so much, it feels like a throat punch.
Our kids are part of a new(ish) developmental stage called "emerging adulthood," ages 18-26, and a time of great uncertainty and unparalleled freedom. They are redefining their relationship with us, figuring out who they are, and determining their own values. More than spreading wings, they are soaring into new and uncharted territory, places we cannot follow. Our adult kids can do this because they know we, their parents, are their soft place to land.
Empty nesting is a weird time, and we all experience different feelings depending on the relationship we have with our adult kids. You need to know that it's normal to feel loneliness, sadness, emptiness, anxiety, relief, and more when your adult kids leave home. We also may experience our own, huge identity shift because our roles have changed.
What does it mean to be a parent to emerging adults? They may no longer want our unsolicited advice or guidance. They may no longer follow household rules or demands. We can no longer tell them what to do and expect them to follow. Our emerging adults still need us to be parents, just in a different way. It can be a very confusing and frustrating time.
If your emerging adults have left the house and it hurts, remind yourself:
Your kids are supposed to leave home, and they can do so because of the foundation you built for them,
They know you have their back,
Trust in them,
Trust in yourself.
Helpful tips to help get through this identity shift:
You can have a new and fulfilling relationship with your adult kids. Reminding yourself of this new future can give you a sense of hope and empowerment.
Give yourself time to grieve your changing family and changing roles. We feel grief when we move through normal life transitions, not just when a loved one dies.
Spend some time on what you WANT to do (not should, have to, or need to), and rediscover or pursue hobbies, passions, or activities!
Nurture your relationships and go make some new friends.
