Are you a people pleaser?
Maddie (not her real name) complained that she "does everything for everyone" and had no time for herself. Mentally and physically, she feels and looks exhausted. She has started therapy because her doctor is concerned about her anxiety.
A wife, mom of 2, and full-time teacher, Maddie is accustomed to putting everyone else's needs before her own, often not going to the bathroom when needed, or eating leftover crusts on the run. A normal day is waking up before her spouse, and rushing through her morning routine so she can get a load of laundry in, lunches made, and kids ready for school. Maddie says she has a special way of doing things, and convinces her husband to stay out of the way, admitting, "I like my mornings. Plus, his job is stressful and I feel bad asking him to help".
Then Maddie goes to work as a middle school teacher. Her work is demanding, but she "loves it" and is routinely asked to volunteer for school committees. She has a hard time saying no, especially at school and feels proud to be asked. Maddie says her job "has no boundaries" and admits parents and coworkers email or text her anytime. Maddie says she gets upset or nervous if she doesn't answer immediately, even over weekends or later in the evening.
A part of a team of teachers, Maddie is their team leader and typically takes on more work to help her fellow educators. Recently, a coworker was out sick for a week and a half, and Maddie's principal asked her to absorb those students into her classroom and cover the extra duties. Maddie was happy to help.
After school, Maddie and her husband rush the children to various after-school activities, such as baseball and gymnastics, where they serve as snack organizers and booster club parents. Recently, the baseball parents asked Maddie if they could hold their annual fundraiser BBQ at her house. Maddie happily accepted, but privately admitted it was "really short notice" and their backyard was not ready for entertaining (In fact, their backyard had been flooded and needed a lot of work.)
Maddie admits she can't sit still and "always has to be doing something." She makes cookies for the neighbors and sends handmade birthday cards to family members. Maddie's husband has started complaining about the constant busyness of their life, and that Maddie never seems to have time for him. Maddie stated she goes out of her way to keep the peace and can't stand conflict of any sort.
Recently, Maddie's doctor raised concerns about her rising blood pressure and advised her to reduce her stress. Last year, she was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). Maddie also complained she has not been sleeping well, has gained weight, and she and her husband have not had sex in months.
When Maddie started counseling, it was clear that her anxiety was tied to people-pleasing tendencies, which can include:
self-sacrificing
low self-worth
constantly worrying about what others think of you
minimizing your own needs and wants
having a hard time saying no
avoiding conflict
feeling valuable when others ask you to do something
consistently seeking approval and validation from others
valuing praise even when personal boundaries have been crossed
taking the blame for other's mistakes
People pleasing can come from a variety of sources:
fear of rejection
fear of failure
Insecurities
a need to be well-liked
having parents who were unavailable (such as sick, divorced, or dealing with addiction) or emotionally distant.
parents that made you earn your love
trauma
sexual assault as a child
Here's the thing: we all seek validation and approval at some point. Being crazy-busy is a fact of life these days. We are all busy. However, people pleasers take it to a completely different level.
The problems with people-pleasing are pretty significant. This isn't about helping people and making their lives easier. It's about finding value and importance by sacrificing your own sense of self. It's really hard and painful to stop: People pleasers believe that when you stop doing things for others, you will be abandoned. Alone and unloved. Or, you will disappoint someone. You will be punished, everyone will hate you, no one will love you, and you will be alone forever. The constant pain and fear are real, and it’s not a fun way to live.
Are you a people pleaser? If so, I want you to know that you don’t have to feel stuck in these thoughts and behaviors. Stopping people-pleasing behavior is possible at any age, and you will learn that people will still respect and value you even when you say no and take care of yourself first. It takes time and the help of a trained mental health professional who will help you understand your values, teach you self-compassion, and how to set healthy boundaries.
Take care and be well, Leslie
People Pleasing, Psychology Today, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/people-pleasing
